by Jennifer Caldwell
There is a pretty popular Reddit thing that is called “Am I The Asshole.” We’ve all seen these, and if you haven’t, google it and maybe think about moving out from under that rock that you have been living under. When Mitch asked me to contribute to his website, I was flattered and honored, and also like, wow but I’m a huge asshole so this is surprising. And in that spirit, I thought I would use this space to elaborate on why I AM THE ASSHOLE ALWAYS.
I spend my days working on projects for different bars and restaurants to try and help them succeed. I’ve been burned – hard – so my focus is on helping my friends see success. Those people who have helped me, lifted me up and given me opportunities are where I now focus my time during the day to help drive business their way where I can. I spend the nights managing at a local bar and helping to build an aesthetic that is amenable to guests and the staff. I like to embroider. I like to paint and craft shit. I just made a fairly cool disco ball from scratch. I love cats. And I really like being mean.
About a week ago, I got a notification that I needed to put in my password for my email address. That started a bit of a landslide of communication and I realized that my email had been compromised and my social media accounts were deactivated. If you have never had to rebuild your online presence from scratch, it’s complicated, to say the least. It has the messiness of having to mentally track friends, think about how you initially connected, and consider your current relationship and how much you enjoy seeing pictures of their stupid kids or dogs or hearing about their dumb girl boss shit. I love guessing which high school friend has had the most work done just as much as the next person, but when you are relieved at the chance to rebuild your friends group online, you sort of have to evaluate why you’re so shitty about stuff.
And what amazing content did my dedicated followers miss? I spent my last two days off practicing agoraphobia and eating pies. No, not like healthy and delicious chicken pot pies, like chocolate pies. Also, I tried to order cigarettes on Amazon and you apparently cannot do that and it broke my brain and I think I definitely cried. Don’t remind me that I have stopped smoking and that I have stopped eating Mega Goldfish crackers because neither of those things stuck and it was stupid of me to even think that was possible.
Anyway, I’ll fill this space with more details on my life and my background than I am usually comfortable sharing. I’ll ruminate on why I am a jerk, and why there are some things that have just stuck with me, ruining me, making me grumpy and shitty. Maybe this will make me happier. Maybe I’ll figure things out. Or maybe I’ll just tell you a bunch of bar stories about y’all acting like shitty assholes all the time and you can cringe and hope nobody figures out that this story is about you.
About Jennifer
Hey, she says it all above, did you read it?
Ha, kidding around. I met Jennifer when she started bartending at the Shiloh, a bar I frequented when I did such things. I loved her dry, and yes sometimes brusk humor.
Because I’m posting this without her knowledge, I won’t post a photo. This is a painting I did of her though. Never send me a photo of yourself making “a face.” This is what happens.
I am excited to host Jennifer’s witty humor here, I hope you enjoy! And for the record, Jennifer is NOT an asshole. ~ Mitch